Where Stars Die

Alexander Te Pohe

The currents of the universe appear as semi-translucent ribbons of rainbow-coloured light. They carry star shards to this planet. The ocean flows upwards, over the drop at the edge of the world, punctured by the flicking lights of dying stars. Here, at the edge of the universe, is where stars go to die and are reborn.

            The half-moon is pinched between overlapping clouds. I hold my hand up and the light passes through. In eight days, on the full moon, this form will solidify. It’s the one time of the month I can hold hands with my boyfriend, Ridley. For now, it has to be enough to wait here for him, as I do every night.

            Someone cries out. A form lies half on the sand and half in the water. It’s Ridley. Panic surges through me and I leap into action, zooming over the sand. Ridley lies face up, unconscious and still in his merboy form. His long, wet hair clings to his face and shoulders. His emerald tail floats in the water. I crouch beside him. His bare brown chest rises and falls — he’s still alive. His breathing is shallow and his lips are turning blue. Although he has no external injuries, I have to get him out of here. The last place I want to take him is home, but only there can I care for him.

            I grasp the silver key around my neck and say, ‘Take me to the Celestial Library!’

            Beneath Ridley, an old wooden door appears. I pray to the stars that this will work. If it doesn’t, I’ll lose my boyfriend and the only shred of hope I’ve had in centuries.

            The door opens. As Ridley and I fall, I mentally take hold of his body. We stop. Inches from the floor. The door slams shut above us and vanishes.

            Ridley floats in the middle of my home. Everything in my room is covered in seawater from my bed — my collection of books stacked around the room, my desk, and the couch. It does not matter. In moments, the magic of the library takes hold and everything returns to as it was before.

            With the power I have in this in-between place, I guide Ridley’s body towards the adjoining room. The door opens at our approach. The room is empty except for a glass coffin holding my body. I look as if I’m sleeping, my brown hair a halo around my head. I’m still dressed in the clothes I arrived in: a black hooded cloak over loose fitting black pants and a black jumper and white shirt. I’ve been here for so long that my face is a few shades lighter than my normal tawny beige. Ridley will be safe here — it’s the only place Sylvia can’t go.

            I gently place Ridley on a blanket and pillow on the ground. He winces at the impact but doesn’t wake. I mentally call one of the witch’s spellbooks to myself and it appears in front of me. The book flicks to a page that holds the incantation. I hold the key with one hand and place the other on the spell. Rainbow-coloured stars swirl around Ridley’s body and scatter, bouncing away. He inhales deeply and his lips return to normal. As he relaxes, his body releases his tail and his two legs appear, clothed in a long emerald-coloured skirt. I quickly bring over a few blankets and cover his body with them.

            Ridley sleeps peacefully under my watchful eyes. He’s never been in my personal quarters before. I wish it hadn’t happened like this.

            A circular mirror the size of my face appears at eye level. Sylvia’s pale face is within. She stares pointedly at me. Her copper hair is tied at the nape of her neck. Two small stars dangle from her ears. My eyes dart from the mirror to Ridley. The star map on the ceiling, still frozen at the time I arrived, provides little light. There may not be enough for her to see Ridley. If she could see him, we’d both be gone. 

            ‘Boy,’ says Sylvia, the word more sarcastic than sincere, ‘You’re late for work. Get up to the library. Now.’

            ‘Yes, Sylvia,’ I say.

            The mirror vanishes. Alongside a self-filling cup of water and a plate of cheese and bread, I leave a note explaining to Ridley to not leave this room. I float out of the room, up the corkscrew staircase, through a hallway, and out a wooden door to the library. On the ceiling, the sky mural is still showing a landscape at dawn. We haven’t been open for long but there are already a few people milling around the bookshelves. I take my place at the counter by the double glass doors imprinted with moving stars, moons, and planets.

            As the day wears on, all sorts of creatures visit. From a young boy beginning his witch training, to a dragon looking for a contemporary romance, and a time-travelling historian with an interest in the preservation of important sites. All supernatural creatures have access to and are welcome here in Sylvia’s Celestial Library. I find it difficult to concentrate on any of their questions or requests. My thoughts are filled with Ridley. I wonder if he’s safe, if the spell truly worked, and if he’ll turn up here on the ground floor instead of staying below ground like I asked him. He has a habit of being reckless.

            The entrance to the library opens. Sylvia walks in, carrying a birdcage covered by a cloth. She wears a long-sleeved white wool jumper and a pleated brown skirt that falls to her ankles. The bird in the cage makes a strange strangled sound. My heart sinks; another creature for her collection.

            ‘Charlie,’ she says my name with an air of distaste. ‘Take my new pet to the Sanctuary.’

            Sylvia thrusts the cage in my direction and I grab it before she drops it. I hurry through the stacks, up several flights of stairs, and arrive at a hallway covered in ivy. The wooden door at the end of the passage opens as I near it.

            I step into a forest that stretches as far as my eyes can see. Birds fly amongst the violet clouds. Through the trees, I spot a deer. The air is growing steadily colder as the sun sets. The Sanctuary would be beautiful if all of these beings weren’t trapped here.

            I release the crow within the cage. They land on a nearby branch and stare at me with blank eyes. They’re probably in shock. I was too when I woke up and saw my body in the glass coffin. It never passed, but I got used to the feeling.

            Pain shoots up from my legs to the top of my head. My mind empties as the shocks continue. Each wave is accompanied by the distinct feeling of something squeezing my heart. I clutch my chest, praying to the stars that this stops. My vision swims between the forest to Ridley’s face hovering overhead. I feel myself falling backwards. The room, the library, and star shards shoot past me.

            I gasp, the air filling my lungs painfully, and awaken. I’m lying on my bed and Ridley is standing over me. He has this big goofy grin on his face and his black eyes sparkle. The pain has subsided, somewhat, but I feel strangely heavy.

            ‘What happened?’ I say, my voice scratchy and hoarse.

            ‘I freed you,’ says Ridley.

            ‘What…?’

            Ridley crouches beside me and takes my hand. His touch is warm and welcome after so many days without. I realise that it’s not the full moon yet. I shouldn’t be able to touch anything. I sit up and look into the adjoining room. It’s empty and bits of glass are scattered everywhere.

            For the first time in centuries, I have my body back. Any feeling of relief I might have had is replaced by fear. If Sylvia finds out, she’ll kill us or worse, she’ll turn us into animals and put us in the Sanctuary forever.

            ‘Ridley. You shouldn’t have done this. What if—’ I begin to say.

            ‘I’m taking you home to my planet. Sylvia can’t touch us there,’ says Ridley.

            ‘We have to make it out of here first.’

            Ridley laughs. I can’t help but be somewhat disarmed by it.

            ‘That’s easy,’ says Ridley with a flick of his long hair.

            ‘What’s your plan then?’

            He claps his hands together in front of himself. ‘I don’t exactly have one, as of yet, but it shouldn’t be too difficult.’

            I shake my head. With a little persuasion, I convince Ridley that we should make a plan. We decide to wait until Sylvia has gone to bed, leave through the front door, and take our chances in the maze. If we make it through that, all we have to do is jump off the edge of the world before she realises that I’m gone.

            Ridley and I hug once before I have to go back to work. The exchange is too quick and as I climb back up the stairs, I yearn to return to him.

            There is a line of customers waiting at my desk when I return. The fairy at the front of the line hovers in place, the light emanating from their small body flashing an angry red. I make my apologies and get to work. Each creature in line checks out their own books, dropping a token into Sylvia’s box-style leather backpack. None of the customers notice, or bring up, the fact that I’ve got my body back. Whatever their reasoning, I’m glad for it.

            As the mural changes from night to day, I wait for the customers to leave. They slowly filter out, some descending from the top floors. Each time a new customer appears my heart leaps, thinking they’re Sylvia. Ridley would be better at this. He’d be calm and strike up a few passing words as beings leave.

            The last customer departs, shutting the left door with their tail. There are books to return and areas in the library to clear of fairy dust and burnt bits of paper. I ignore it all and hurry back downstairs. Ridley is sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading one of my books. There are books stacked all around him. He’s shirtless, as always. His top surgery scars are barely noticeable.

            Ridley puts the book down, still open to the page he was reading.

            ‘Are you ready?’ asks Ridley.

            ‘No,’ I reply. ‘What if this doesn’t work?’

            ‘It’ll work. Trust me.’

            His words are sincere, but they do nothing for the fear within me.

            Ridley hands me a small backpack and I put it on. It carries the only belongings I brought with me: a star map, my compass, and a star shard from my parents. My parents never accepted that I am a trans boy. If they had, I wouldn’t have been forced to go to Sylvia for a spell that changed my outside to how I see myself. I never thought that signing her contract would mean I’d give up my body. It’s been centuries since I left home. I should have thrown the shard away but a part of me still longs for my parents’ love.

            At least I have Ridley now. As a fellow trans boy, he understands me.

Ridley follows me up the stairs and down the hallway to the library. The main room is now dimly lit by the mural of the night sky. We creep towards the door, listening for any sound of Sylvia. She should be in her house in the Sanctuary. There’s a small chance though that she’s gone out and will walk through those doors at any moment.

            I place my hands on the double doors and stars move underneath my palms. I push, expecting the doors to not yield, but they swing outward.

            Before us is a giant maze. The hedges are triple my height and extend in every direction. Normally, the doors take beings to wherever they want to go. All they have to do is think of the place. But if we did that, that memory would be left on the door and Sylvia would use it to find us. If we’re able to make it through the maze to the ocean, we should be free.

            The library doors slam closed behind us before I can change my mind.

            ‘This isn’t as bad as you said it would be,’ murmurs Ridley.

            ‘Not as bad!’ I try to whisper but it comes out like a not-so-quiet shout.

            Ridley takes my hand. ‘It’s okay, Charles. I’ll get us out of here.’

            I grumble a little before letting Ridley guide us through the maze. He walks confidently, his long hair wavering behind him. It’s strange, for so long we’ve spoken about me leaving here and now it’s happening.

            Suddenly Ridley pulls me back and the two of us press ourselves against the hedged wall of an archway. He holds a finger to his lips. There is the sound of bells somewhere near here. The two of us stay perfectly still. Beside me, Ridley is calm. I’m glad one of us is. From the corner of my eyes I see a life-sized chess piece float by. The thing is made of some sort of white stone and is in the shape of a woman wearing a long dress. In her right hand, she has a sword and in the left, she’s carrying a bell. This must be Sylvia’s security.

            A little while after the ringing stops Ridley says, ‘I told you not to worry.’

            My eyes widen. He’s lucky we’re in this death maze otherwise I’d kill him.

            ‘I’m kidding,’ says Ridley, although somewhat half-heartedly. His tone turns serious as he says, ‘I have excellent hearing. I’ll lead us safely through the maze. Just trust me.’

            ‘Of course I trust you,’ I say.

            Ridley squeezes my hand. The two of us slowly make our way through the maze. We stop every few minutes and hide as we wait for the guards to pass. Each time Ridley is so calm that it rubs off on me. It takes hours, but at last we emerge on the other side. The sound of bells fades into nothing.

            We walk across the grass to the beach. I want to feel relieved, but I can’t. Not until we’re far away from this place.                      

            Ridley abruptly turns, pushing me behind him. I open my mouth to ask him what’s going on until I see what he’s looking at. The circular Celestial Library rises out of the maze in the distance. Birds of all kinds are flying out of it and heading directly for us. Sylvia knows I’m trying to leave.

            ‘Come on. This isn’t over yet,’ says Ridley.

            Ridley tugs me toward the water. The two of us run into the waves and when it’s deep enough, Ridley’s legs turn into a tail. The two of us swim against the current. After hours of walking, my arms, legs, and lungs burn from the effort. Ridley swims effortlessly beside me, managing to pull me along with him. I thank the stars that we were able to meet.

            We reach the edge of the water and stop. The rainbow-coloured currents of the universe move in all directions. The water flows up over the edge of the world and past us. The current is strong, but Ridley keeps the two of us from being pulled back to shore.

            The bird cries grow louder by the second. There’s no telling what they’ll do to us if we don’t leave.

            ‘Are you ready?’ asks Ridley.

            ‘I haven’t done this in so long,’ I say. ‘I’m afraid.’

            Ridley is strong enough to swim back to his planet on his own, but I’m not sure I could make it.

            ‘I believe in you,’ says Ridley.

            I try to take in his words, but it’s not as easy as he thinks. My powers might not work anymore. The birds are so close now. There are so many of them that they blanket the sky. If I don’t go, I’ll lose my chance forever.   

            ‘Let’s go,’ I say.

            ‘My brave Charlie,’ says Ridley.

            Warmth floods my entire being at the sound of my name. I think I can do this.

            Ridley and I leap off the edge of the world. As we fall, I think about the two of us, of what our life will be like, of hearing him say my name every day, of being able to live my own way. My entire being fills with a light and I’m buoyed by the rainbow-coloured currents.

            ‘Beautiful,’ says Ridley his tail propels him forward. The two of us fly side by side.

            ‘What?’ I ask.

            ‘You,’ he says, ‘I’ve never seen a star up close before.’

            I blush and the light shining from within me grows brighter and more brilliant.

            Ridley and I swim across the galaxy. I’m not sure what his planet looks like, but I know that wherever he is will be our home.