Paranoia

Hemant Divate
Translated from Marathi by Mustansir Dalvi

1.

The battle cries never reached me
Neither did the shouts in response
I only heard the ratatat of doors
And windows slamming shut
And the rolling rattle of shutters pulled down
Hanging carcasses were hastily taken down
From the ‘Hindu Mutton Shop’
Both prostitutes and pimps
Went missing from the fleshpots of the city
The omlet-paowala turned off the stove
Below his tawa and legged it
Shiv vadapaowalas scarpered, likewise
The bhelpuriwala opposite the Asiatic
Disappeared into Churchgate Station

Jagdish, vendor of tobacco and paan
Shifted his wherewithal below the Aarey sign
I too, was about to save my a***
By making a run for it, but
Satya was still not done placing my sunny-side-up
From his pan between slices of toast

Hunger, both large and long,
Is like life
One has to bear it and keep going
Making a motherf***** of oneself

2.

Sounds emerge from my ear
As if a bed bug is stuck there
A sigh, as if the both of us are constantly
Trying to break away from each other
Ever since Babri was brought down

At home and outside
Death and the terror of death
Stalks us constantly, and when
The time comes, the game will surely be up
Whoever lives in Mumbai
Has to, until their a*** gets taken
Even as they wait for it to get taken

Constantly terrified, terror becomes a habit
An addiction that can never be overcome
Once you’re in it, nothing
And no-one can pull you out of it

3.

The moment I entered Mumbai's belly
An infant python
Entered me
It slowly grew larger and larger
And by the time I realised
That the fire in that python's belly
Was far worse than the fire between my temples
The human inside me had long departed

4.

Sounds emerge from my ear
And I’m thinking about the rent
And the rising cost of bhendi
Probably caused by a riot
In Bhendi Bazaar

What had I ever done to deserve
These endless hallucinations
That bombs are about to go off
In the mall’s parking lot?

I am plagued by questions:
Why did the price of mutton suddenly fall?
What caused the price of pirated porn CDs
Sold on the footpaths to suddenly slide?
Why did Mumbai’s matka players suddenly start
Playing the Hindu-Muslim game?
How did Salman, who had just reached
Muzaffarnagar the day before, die in a riot?

Sounds emerge from my ears
Vehicles rush past, one after another
Filled with heart-rending screams
Filling me, as they fall silent,
With memories of Godhra

Here, screams of Ya Allah
There, shouts of Jai Shree Ram
Ya Allah Parvardigaar – Shreeram Jairam
Make a home in my ears
Ears have no compartments
Only space, filled with sounds
An ever-present terror in the mind