Ask the sea where my love is
by Warsan Weedhsan

The feeling of satisfaction when I walk on wet sand, feel the ocean breeze on my face, and smell the saltiness of the sea. It was an exciting day. Sunny and colourful sky without clouds when our school teachers promised vacation.

Everything about my city's beaches was heard by someone or learnt at school. Somalia has the longest coastline in Horn Africa and the most wonderful climate in East Africa. Being in the middle of teenage junior high school is the most beautiful age and you deserve to have everything in your thoughts. Although the city is not safe and secure it is okay since you are not targeted or under protection.

Today I’m looking at the fresh water and walking barefoot was a special feeling for me. All friends enjoying by groups but I’m remaining always alone to enjoy. 

I never believed in love at first sight until I met him at the beach that I was walking earlier. This guy – automatically my eyes start to evaluate this wonderful, strong guy. A tall, strong body seems to be training muscles. A nice dress with matching colours was attractive, same barefoot and enjoyed the wet sand like I do.

School trips were a program full of activities to play games, swimming with study of the beach and tricky challenges for cultural questions and also many other games. Personally, it was the first time in groups with mixed girls and boys. Having a male friend is rare or you’re a criminal for traditional culture where child marriage is encouraged.

The teacher, Faiza, read the schedule loudly, their voice strong saying and always adding don’t be late, don’t leave behind your group, don’t do anything without permission. The clock running fast turns 8.30am, games to be almost two hours, then lunch with prayer after studying the Somalia Ocean and ports will welcome some guests like fishermen. And then at 3.00pm we will go see a fishing boat going around and back to our centre before sunset.

I was excited but at the same time nervous, thinking too much about what kind of boys, especially my group with me and the guy I saw walking the beach. I can’t stop thinking of him but said to myself, it is your first time integrating in a boys' school. Maybe that is why you are overthinking how he will lead the group, will they treat me well or leave me feeling lonely?

Groups divided and my group is set up of four boys and two girls. We are doing group introductions and choosing group leaders. It is always boys leading everything – the Somali culture gave them power but girls or women always back them up and work with them. Always boys and male students answering all questions, leading groups to play the opposite team, even if you know the right answer as a girl you will pass to a boy – that is the rule.

We chose the guy I saw earlier on the beach walking barefoot like me to lead our group. He was last class for high school and is called Mohamed. He will lead all our activities until the afternoon. He was a handsome, kind and respectable guy for our group members. He divided things fairly, always checking if us girls were okay with the decision or not, I don’t usually see Somali boys like that.

Mohamed started asking my personal information. Any chance that he found other members are busy like is it your first time coming here?  Do you have any brothers or sisters on our trip? I said an honest answer and I think it gives him a role to play, like he is caring for me like a sister younger than him.

After the competition finished, our group became second rank winners because we weren't good at English spelling games.

That day Mohamed and I take long conversations for many sides of life, classes, dreams and he told me information about my head classes over the next 2 years needed to complete high school. I remember he wants to be doctor in the future, because the country doesn’t have enough doctors, he said to me, that’s my wish – to become Somali doctor.

He likes swimming and said to me today if teachers allowed, he will do swimming, and I will show you how. Being around him and talking to him felt really safe. I replied to all conversations with confidence by gossiping about teachers, best students and what boys' schools do for activities...

In the afternoon, after lunch and breaks all students were excited to go to the middle of the ocean by boat. For many students this was their first time ever touching sea water directly. Each group of students jump up small boats. The quality is very poor with one fisherman to keep control. We take all our protections in case of any emergency at sea.

My feeling towards being totally scared and frightened are very high looking at every single step. The first time being in the sea and the balance of the boat seems like any minute it wants to fall or sink. I feel totally uncomfortable shaking the boat.

Mohamed was on the opposite corner, opposite side to me. He closely watched me. He moved my side towards my direction by hanging onto corners of the boat.

I try to be brave and shake out my fear. I could feel him standing close by, looking at me. “Hey are you scared? Look how wonderful this pure and clean water is. God blesses our country.”

All the trip since the morning coming to the beach felt full of peace and cool weather. It was one of my days that I enjoyed. This nice beach but with no security.

I’m a good listener now I’m trying all my feeling to understand I’m scared to fall in the water.

Because the boat was very old and there were no seats inside you have to hang on the side of the boat. Then he said, “Do you know that on a small boat like this I was scared. It was my first experience.”

Everyone starts to exhale this fresh and beautiful climate, suddenly without expecting our boat to start sinking our boat is not far from where we got the boat. 

Our boat starts to sink and water comes in, I totally gave up and don’t have any idea how to jump and run back.

Since we are still near, all the students start reacting except me. I was shocked and stayed without movement after I saw Mohamed calling to jump before the boat went down.

I kept still since I had no clue what to do. Mohamed came back to me by swimming back in a fast and strong way pushing away the waves to reach me.

Before I entered the water because I didn’t know how to swim, I didn't do any single movements except shouting.

I saw Mohamed catch my hand and told me to follow before the boat came over to us and he saved my life.

All students know how to swim well except me. The fisherman was old and started shouting at me, “Why you stay there? You didn’t feel the wind getting stronger second by second.”

Mohamed responded, “Hey leave her alone, it's the first time she came here!” We come to the beach and everybody tries to change clothes and wait until conditions settle.

That day Mohamed saved my life because he came back again to save me and stay with me all day to treat me nicely and he promised to give me some books he has in my life but we can’t meet then.

He got an idea to hide the books under a big stone close to the gate of our school. Then I will take them after school because before then my friends will ask me where I got it, who send them to me, but after school no one will find my material. I got books that I must need and he put together the notes he took this year. Nice writing, clear and clean, he gave me the books since it’s my last year of high school.

I love the way he encourages me to keep this up, to complete the schooling that many girls never complete for many problems like early marriage or cultural disrespect.  

There is no hope to meet in-person but we exchange papers under the stone close to my school. I like him a lot, he is the right person and can support all my dreams.

After being connected a year through the paper communication, Mohamed has disappeared and there are no more letters. There I was, worried a lot every single day, I was checking and there was no letter. I can’t ask anyone because our shelter rules can punish me.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get any messages for months. All communication was cut. I don’t know how to find him and I don’t have any close friends to trust. What I can do or how I can know?

All I know is Mohamed graduated two years before me but he was keeping me updated on his situation. Finally, a few months later I got a paper from a security man and he told to his family that’s why security was keeping the paper from me!

The security was busy and he didn't see me when I passed him at the end of school.

Next morning, I came to my school normally like other days however my mind was asking and thinking if he is still alive or dead because my country is not safe. I was feeling guilty – why didn’t I tell him that I love him.

The security called me, I was thinking why is he calling me, I didn't do any wrong, I have my school clothes and everything is ok. While I was walking the security said, “Please come here. Is this paper from someone in your family?”

I was shocked and took the letter. I saw his name on the top but I didnt read it because my classes started soon and I was worried my friends will see what was written on the paper.

That day was the longest day ever in my life for school. Finally, all classes were done and I directly get out from class to go home. I didn’t want my friends to wait.

Coming to my room to check that I’m ready to read this letter after months without any news from him. I started reading the letter word by word to fully understand the language.

Dear one!

From: Mohamed

I know you didn’t get any information from me since I got out the school. I hope you started your final class in high school, I’m sure you will reach all your dreams if you keep this effort and patience for your life. I would really like to meet before saying these words through a letter but I know if it’s impossible to meet you.

Since the first day we met and the rest of my life I will not forget your face and smile, being the most polite girl I ever met, I like your dreams, being alert to your future means I want to send you any book or support I think you will get benefit from...

The reason I wrote this letter was because it will be my last days in this city. I wanna go far to find a better future than this life, I don’t wanna stay here and polish shoes or be a waiter in a restaurant and sleep on the street, I will go on a long journey, I don’t know if I will survive or not.

I will start from Somalia then Sudan then the desert in Libya, then we will get a boat across the big ocean and I will finally reach Italy if God wills me.

I will inform you some way if I survive, if not I will hope you will always focus your life, as you are doing now. I really love you but I know this is not the right time but hope we will meet a better future.

Goodbye.
Sending you my love and prayers. 

Warsan Weedhsan is a writer. Warsan focuses on women’s empowerment and refugee girls going through with non-stop stigma. Her writing aims to uncover the social and cultural problems facing refugee people and to support women to stand against discrimination.